A child Molester walks into a Doctors surgery...

"I'm having trouble getting an errection", says the paedophile. "It means I can't rape little boys any more"
"Don't worry, mon ami! Take these blue pills and you'll be buggering little children with no hassle" replied the Doctor.

Based on a true story!
WTF France?

Don't worry, there are no known side-effects

Although there were significant numbers of deaths in the 1930s and 1940s. You know what Doc, I think I'll take my chances with MRSA.

Peace In Our Time

So the Army have pulled out of Northern Ireland. It sure is a good job they're not needed any more.

'Simplified' Spelling

There's a campaign to change the way English is written for the benefit of simpletons who don't understand spelling. What about the majority of people who aren't retards? Do we have to learn Timmy Spelling? I learned to spell at school, when the retards were sniffing glue. Now they're still sniffing glue (with their bastard offspring), and I'm expected to learn to spell again?
How about "no". How about we stop catering to the lowest common denominator and try improve our society, instead of regressing. If people have trouble with literacy, by all means they should be helped, but helped to spell properly, not allowed to make their mis-spellings the norm to the detriment of everyone else.

Easiest Module Ever!

I'm going through my old transcripts because I'm applying for a Training Contract. Back in 1st year I had to do two crappy modules that I absolutely hated because they were just retarded. When the requirements to do the course include "Can you switch on a computer?" you know you're in Timmysville.
But I digress. It was a two part module. 0% of the overall grade came from "online participation" (send your tutor an email to say "Hey, I can use Email!"). 100% of it came from an essay (2000 words on how you sent your tutor the aforementioned email). I didn't do the essay, because I'd rather spend my time revising the Law subjects I was doing, and so I got 0%.

Now, the more mathematically inclined amongst you may have noticed that if I got 0% of 100, and 100% of 0, I should have received an overall mark of 0, and had to resit. I actually got 59%.
It's A M A T H S P A R A D O X

I think this demonstrates the retarded nature of the module. Still, why couldn't they have given me one extra mark so I could have gotten a 2:1?

Best Chat Up Line Ever!

I just watched out the window as a 10 yr old boy tried to walk along a (roughly 13 foot hight) wall to impress a group of girls. He fell. He deserved it.

I always said going on the pull was dangerous...

The Generation Gap Widens

SO. I was watching Prison Break (it's on UKTV Gold) last night, and one of the characters was talking about how he had made a knife that would pull out the victims intestines (that's a wound, it'll bleed and bleed). To which another character replied "you're one sick puppy".

My mother found it hard to understand why developing a knife designed to inflict the maximum amount of pain would be considered sick. This is a woman who criticises me for believing in private healthcare, but who has no problems with prisoners torturing each other.

Catholicism v Human Rights

Seriously, why does anyone still take them seriously?

This one time, my mate emptied a 9mm into a cash machine...

... and took down the entire network!

Worst List Ever

SO: Some wooly liberal type has made a list of the most peaceful countries. Notable entries include Ireland in 4th. Finland in 6th. Japan & Germany 5th and 12th repsectively (do they need links?)
UK in 49th. Cos we're aggressive warmongers that raped and pillaged our neighbours, and genocided minority groups, aren't we?

LOL Birmingham!

A 4 bedroom house for £53,000? Bargain! It's probably cheap cos it's near the Colour Factory, and we all know how often that thing explodes, and noone wants to live near it.

Oh, it's cheap because the advert's 25 years old. You crazy Brummies with your 25 year old newspapers :)