Isn't this sort of stuff supposed to be kept secret?

Hey guys, our countries completely undefended. Feel free to invade us, we don't mind, and even if we did, who's gonna stop you?

I swear down we're going to wake up tomorrow morning speaking Belgian. Or worse, Germany will come and make us use their weird toilets. Back in the day we had an army that could (and did) conquer most of the known world, and now you're telling me the Motherland has only 500 troops defending it?

At least we'll be able to hold off Antigua & Barbuda, and the Seychelles (but not at the same time). And God forbid Barbados decides to have a go at us as well, because then we're really screwed.

What should we do, re: Russia

SO. We've PNG'd some Russian diplomats (spies). What should we do next, Sir Humphrey?

Sir Humphrey: Well, Minister, in practical terms we have the usual six options: One, do nothing. Two, issue a statement deploring the speech. Three, lodge an official protest. Four, cut off aid. Five, break off diplomatic relations. And six, declare war.

Jim Hacker: Which should be it?

Sir Humphrey: Well, if we do nothing we implicitly agree with the speech. Two, if we issue a statement we'll just look foolish. Three, if we lodge a protest it'll be ignored. Four, we can't cut off aid because we don't give them any. Five, if we break off diplomatic relations we can't negotiate the oil rig contracts. And six, if we declare war it might just look as though we were over-reacting.

We need to close the Toilet Gap

Continuing our Lavatorial theme for the day, we travel to the Land of the Rising Sun. If God used a toilet, he would use one of these - the Super Toilet. Ordinarily, I would consider such a name to be mere hyperbole. In this case, it is not. This truly is a Super Toilet, a toilet one would find atop Mount Olympus, or in the halls of Valhalla.
These toilets sense your presence, and raise the lid accordingly. Not only that, they sense whether you are facing it or not, and raise the seat accordingly. They squirt water at you afterwards to cleanse you. They play music. They have air conditioning!
This once great nation has fallen behind. We who invented the toilet have rested on our laurels, and, as in so many fields of human endeavour, allowed other nations to overtake us.

I commit this nation to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of creating a toilet capable of rivalling those in Japan, that we may regain our crown as the pre-eminent nation in toilet technology!

What on Earth were you thinking, Germany?

It appears the architecture of German toilets differs somewhat from our own. Rather than just dumping your dump into a pool of water, into which it can happily sink into oblivion, ne'er to be seen again, our Teutonic friends prefer to have their ... 'droppings' drop onto a shelf, where it can be kept perfectly dry and cosy while friends, loved ones and neighbours are summoned to gaze with envy at the behemoth summoned from your behind.
Say no to a Single European Toilet Design.

'Simplified' Spelling

There's a campaign to change the way English is written for the benefit of simpletons who don't understand spelling. What about the majority of people who aren't retards? Do we have to learn Timmy Spelling? I learned to spell at school, when the retards were sniffing glue. Now they're still sniffing glue (with their bastard offspring), and I'm expected to learn to spell again?
How about "no". How about we stop catering to the lowest common denominator and try improve our society, instead of regressing. If people have trouble with literacy, by all means they should be helped, but helped to spell properly, not allowed to make their mis-spellings the norm to the detriment of everyone else.

Easiest Module Ever!

I'm going through my old transcripts because I'm applying for a Training Contract. Back in 1st year I had to do two crappy modules that I absolutely hated because they were just retarded. When the requirements to do the course include "Can you switch on a computer?" you know you're in Timmysville.
But I digress. It was a two part module. 0% of the overall grade came from "online participation" (send your tutor an email to say "Hey, I can use Email!"). 100% of it came from an essay (2000 words on how you sent your tutor the aforementioned email). I didn't do the essay, because I'd rather spend my time revising the Law subjects I was doing, and so I got 0%.

Now, the more mathematically inclined amongst you may have noticed that if I got 0% of 100, and 100% of 0, I should have received an overall mark of 0, and had to resit. I actually got 59%.
It's A M A T H S P A R A D O X

I think this demonstrates the retarded nature of the module. Still, why couldn't they have given me one extra mark so I could have gotten a 2:1?

Best Chat Up Line Ever!

I just watched out the window as a 10 yr old boy tried to walk along a (roughly 13 foot hight) wall to impress a group of girls. He fell. He deserved it.

I always said going on the pull was dangerous...