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Thursday 15 November 2007
Friday 24 August 2007
Bioshock Log #001: Here be Spoilers!
I've just beaten Doctor Steineman. He's the first boss, so I figured now would be a good time to maek post with my thoughts so far. If you haven't played Bioshock yet (and if you haven't, you'd better have a damn good excuse) don't read this, because it contains spoilers (as if you didn't guess from the title)
Graphically it's nothing less than stunning. I can't wait to play it on an HDTV to see how much better it looks. I'll start off with some general thoughts, then outline my favourite moments so far.
The hacking minigame is a lot better than Oblivion's lockpicking. Instead of pushing up, and pressing A at just the right moment like in Oblivion (which really turned into luck as much as anything) Bioshock requires that you assemble a route from one side of the screen to the other in a time limit. It's pretty good fun. Failure leads to a small explosion, which damages your health, which isn't too big a deal since you can carry up to 9 health packs, and you can always find more, or just buy them from vending machines.
Now, onto my favourite bits. The atmosphere overall is amazing, but the scariest bit so far was when I went into the morgue. I mean, let's face it: a morgue is a scary place to start off with, but when you've got genetically modified super-freaks scattered about the place it gets even scarier. The freakiest bit though was when I turned a corner and found a Splicer crying over a coffin. She had her back turned to me, so I just zapped her and unloaded my shotgun into her. I went over to search her body (to see if she had any goodies), and then I realised something: the coffin was child sized. It gave me shivers just thinking about it.
Another terrifying bit was when I was just happily walking along, and found a body. I started checking it for loot, when the lights went out. That's scary enough, but then I heard the voices. I switched to my trusty shotgun. I couldn't see anything, so I couldn't shoot. Then the lights came up.
I was surrounded by 4 or 5 Splicers D: I was able to deal with them without too much hassle, but the initial shock was pretty epic.
Now onto my favourite bit so far: the battle with the good Doctor. I saw him slashing up a (dead) patient, ranting about wanting to make the perfect human. I went into the room, and prepared myself for battle. At first I just tried circle-strafing him. Then I remembered one of the promotional Plasmid videos I saw when I got my telekinesis powers. It claimed that you couldn't use it to stop a speeding bullet.
"Sod that", I thought. If Keanu Reeves can stop a speeding bullet, so can I. I switched to telekinesis, and stopped a handful of machine gun bullets. I then threw them straight back at him. Somehow this set him on fire, and he dived into a nearby pool of water.
"Aha. I have you now, Doc." I fired my electric powers into the water. He began to electrocute.
Job's done; the Doctors dead.
If it stays this good, it will be a strong contender for my GoTY.
Graphically it's nothing less than stunning. I can't wait to play it on an HDTV to see how much better it looks. I'll start off with some general thoughts, then outline my favourite moments so far.
The hacking minigame is a lot better than Oblivion's lockpicking. Instead of pushing up, and pressing A at just the right moment like in Oblivion (which really turned into luck as much as anything) Bioshock requires that you assemble a route from one side of the screen to the other in a time limit. It's pretty good fun. Failure leads to a small explosion, which damages your health, which isn't too big a deal since you can carry up to 9 health packs, and you can always find more, or just buy them from vending machines.
Now, onto my favourite bits. The atmosphere overall is amazing, but the scariest bit so far was when I went into the morgue. I mean, let's face it: a morgue is a scary place to start off with, but when you've got genetically modified super-freaks scattered about the place it gets even scarier. The freakiest bit though was when I turned a corner and found a Splicer crying over a coffin. She had her back turned to me, so I just zapped her and unloaded my shotgun into her. I went over to search her body (to see if she had any goodies), and then I realised something: the coffin was child sized. It gave me shivers just thinking about it.
Another terrifying bit was when I was just happily walking along, and found a body. I started checking it for loot, when the lights went out. That's scary enough, but then I heard the voices. I switched to my trusty shotgun. I couldn't see anything, so I couldn't shoot. Then the lights came up.
I was surrounded by 4 or 5 Splicers D: I was able to deal with them without too much hassle, but the initial shock was pretty epic.
Now onto my favourite bit so far: the battle with the good Doctor. I saw him slashing up a (dead) patient, ranting about wanting to make the perfect human. I went into the room, and prepared myself for battle. At first I just tried circle-strafing him. Then I remembered one of the promotional Plasmid videos I saw when I got my telekinesis powers. It claimed that you couldn't use it to stop a speeding bullet.
"Sod that", I thought. If Keanu Reeves can stop a speeding bullet, so can I. I switched to telekinesis, and stopped a handful of machine gun bullets. I then threw them straight back at him. Somehow this set him on fire, and he dived into a nearby pool of water.
"Aha. I have you now, Doc." I fired my electric powers into the water. He began to electrocute.
Job's done; the Doctors dead.
If it stays this good, it will be a strong contender for my GoTY.
Wednesday 22 August 2007
We have the technology...
... let us use it to develop the most pointless features ever seen on a mouse.
Microsoft have unveiled their new Sidewinder Gaming Mouse. It's features include the ability to record motion of up to 20g. Impressive stuff. Let's look at what that actually means. 1g is 9.8M/S2. 20g means an acceleration of 196 M/S2. Fighter Pilots usually only pull 9 g. You're telling me that some fat geek (I'm not being insulting, Deus knows I'm fat and geeky) is supposed to be able to pull more g than a trained, fit professional?
At 20g, the mouse will weigh up to 600g. On top of that you've got the mass of your arm, multiplied by 20. It's the same as a bag of sugar, you really think you can aim with that thing?
Other pointless features include an LCD screen. For what purpose? When I'm playing a game, I like to watch the screen, so as to ensure I don't get shot to pieces. How am I supposed to do that when I'm struggling to read data off of some tiny little screen?
This is undoubtedly a fine piece of equipment, but it's over-engineered. Which is shown in the price - £35 for a mouse? No thanks, I'll spend the money on a game if you don't mind.
Microsoft have unveiled their new Sidewinder Gaming Mouse. It's features include the ability to record motion of up to 20g. Impressive stuff. Let's look at what that actually means. 1g is 9.8M/S2. 20g means an acceleration of 196 M/S2. Fighter Pilots usually only pull 9 g. You're telling me that some fat geek (I'm not being insulting, Deus knows I'm fat and geeky) is supposed to be able to pull more g than a trained, fit professional?
At 20g, the mouse will weigh up to 600g. On top of that you've got the mass of your arm, multiplied by 20. It's the same as a bag of sugar, you really think you can aim with that thing?
Other pointless features include an LCD screen. For what purpose? When I'm playing a game, I like to watch the screen, so as to ensure I don't get shot to pieces. How am I supposed to do that when I'm struggling to read data off of some tiny little screen?
This is undoubtedly a fine piece of equipment, but it's over-engineered. Which is shown in the price - £35 for a mouse? No thanks, I'll spend the money on a game if you don't mind.
Monday 20 August 2007
A child Molester walks into a Doctors surgery...
"I'm having trouble getting an errection", says the paedophile. "It means I can't rape little boys any more"
"Don't worry, mon ami! Take these blue pills and you'll be buggering little children with no hassle" replied the Doctor.
Based on a true story!
WTF France?
"Don't worry, mon ami! Take these blue pills and you'll be buggering little children with no hassle" replied the Doctor.
Based on a true story!
WTF France?
Wednesday 15 August 2007
More Breaking News!
Increased costs lead to increased debt!
Students get charged more tuition fees. Miraculously debt levels increased! Who'd have thought that making people pay more money would lead to them...
... paying more money.
Why are people doing studies into this? Who pays for them? Dammit I want in! I want to get paid a fortune to state the obvious.
Students get charged more tuition fees. Miraculously debt levels increased! Who'd have thought that making people pay more money would lead to them...
... paying more money.
Why are people doing studies into this? Who pays for them? Dammit I want in! I want to get paid a fortune to state the obvious.
Breaking News!
Radioactive Wasteland is Wasteland!
Scientists claim that the high levels of radiation around Chernobyl are harmful to animals. Well no shit, Sherlock.
I saw a documentary about the scientists that have to maintain the sarcophagus around Chernobyl's reactor. They don't have proper radiation gear, so they just tie plastic bags around themselves. It's better than nothing, they said.
They don't have robots to investigate the interior, so they go in themselves. They are giving their lives because of lack of funds, and yet money is being wasted on finding out that radiation is harmful to animals? The damn things liable to collapse any day now, spewing out even more radioactive debris. You think maybe we should spend this money rebuilding the Sarcophagus? It needs to stand for the next 10,000 years (To put that into context, The Great Pyramid is only 4500 years old), and if it fails, people DIE.
In an unrelated story, a study has recommended that old people not attempt to climb Mount Everest, as they might die.
You think? Old people aren't even supposed to go on roller-coasters because it's dangerous. Noone should be climbing up mountains unless they're in good shape, like my Great Uncle Eddie was when he climbed Everest.
So basically, scientists should stop wasting their time stating the obvious, and start inventing the Flying Car. Or at the very least a cure for cancer.
And finally, Students with good grades (like me) are more likely to get a job than people who get bad grades (like Timmy). Again, is this really news? Clever people in employability shocker!
Scientists claim that the high levels of radiation around Chernobyl are harmful to animals. Well no shit, Sherlock.
I saw a documentary about the scientists that have to maintain the sarcophagus around Chernobyl's reactor. They don't have proper radiation gear, so they just tie plastic bags around themselves. It's better than nothing, they said.
They don't have robots to investigate the interior, so they go in themselves. They are giving their lives because of lack of funds, and yet money is being wasted on finding out that radiation is harmful to animals? The damn things liable to collapse any day now, spewing out even more radioactive debris. You think maybe we should spend this money rebuilding the Sarcophagus? It needs to stand for the next 10,000 years (To put that into context, The Great Pyramid is only 4500 years old), and if it fails, people DIE.
In an unrelated story, a study has recommended that old people not attempt to climb Mount Everest, as they might die.
You think? Old people aren't even supposed to go on roller-coasters because it's dangerous. Noone should be climbing up mountains unless they're in good shape, like my Great Uncle Eddie was when he climbed Everest.
So basically, scientists should stop wasting their time stating the obvious, and start inventing the Flying Car. Or at the very least a cure for cancer.
And finally, Students with good grades (like me) are more likely to get a job than people who get bad grades (like Timmy). Again, is this really news? Clever people in employability shocker!
Monday 13 August 2007
Don't worry, there are no known side-effects
Although there were significant numbers of deaths in the 1930s and 1940s. You know what Doc, I think I'll take my chances with MRSA.
Sunday 12 August 2007
87 Minutes
How long it took for local law enforcement to respond to reports of a break-in. It does not exactly instil confidence in the system.
Divine Retribution
This morning I 'appropriated' a towel from a hotel. I return home to find the house broken into. So far it doesn't look like anything was taken, except for my glass of change, which contained a few quid, including a selection of those snazzy limited-edition 50p pieces.
GRRRRRRR!
GRRRRRRR!
Wednesday 8 August 2007
Godspeed, Endeavour
The Space Shuttle Endeavour is due to launch later tonight (weather permitting). Among her 7 man crew is Barbara Morgan, who was Christa McAuliffe's backup for the ill-fated STS-51L mission.
Finally there will be a teacher in space.
Godspeed, Endeavour.
Finally there will be a teacher in space.
Godspeed, Endeavour.
Wednesday 1 August 2007
Monday 23 July 2007
Make sure to wash your hands after going to the toilet!
"Flood water can be used to flush the toilet although you will need to wash your hands with clean water afterwards as there is a small risk of infection from contaminated water." See, I was brought up to wash my hands after I'd been to the toilet, because the stuff you just put into the toilet was unhealthy and disease-ridden, not because the toilet water was dirty.
But then I was also brought up to believe that one should not build one's city underwater, so go figure. In Shildon we had the right idea. Our city's founding fathers built our city on a hill (actually several, Shildon is like Rome in that respect) so we don't get flooded.
But then I was also brought up to believe that one should not build one's city underwater, so go figure. In Shildon we had the right idea. Our city's founding fathers built our city on a hill (actually several, Shildon is like Rome in that respect) so we don't get flooded.
Friday 20 July 2007
Isn't this sort of stuff supposed to be kept secret?
Hey guys, our countries completely undefended. Feel free to invade us, we don't mind, and even if we did, who's gonna stop you?
I swear down we're going to wake up tomorrow morning speaking Belgian. Or worse, Germany will come and make us use their weird toilets. Back in the day we had an army that could (and did) conquer most of the known world, and now you're telling me the Motherland has only 500 troops defending it?
At least we'll be able to hold off Antigua & Barbuda, and the Seychelles (but not at the same time). And God forbid Barbados decides to have a go at us as well, because then we're really screwed.
I swear down we're going to wake up tomorrow morning speaking Belgian. Or worse, Germany will come and make us use their weird toilets. Back in the day we had an army that could (and did) conquer most of the known world, and now you're telling me the Motherland has only 500 troops defending it?
At least we'll be able to hold off Antigua & Barbuda, and the Seychelles (but not at the same time). And God forbid Barbados decides to have a go at us as well, because then we're really screwed.
Tuesday 17 July 2007
What should we do, re: Russia
SO. We've PNG'd some Russian diplomats (spies). What should we do next, Sir Humphrey?
- Sir Humphrey: Well, Minister, in practical terms we have the usual six options: One, do nothing. Two, issue a statement deploring the speech. Three, lodge an official protest. Four, cut off aid. Five, break off diplomatic relations. And six, declare war.
- Jim Hacker: Which should be it?
- Sir Humphrey: Well, if we do nothing we implicitly agree with the speech. Two, if we issue a statement we'll just look foolish. Three, if we lodge a protest it'll be ignored. Four, we can't cut off aid because we don't give them any. Five, if we break off diplomatic relations we can't negotiate the oil rig contracts. And six, if we declare war it might just look as though we were over-reacting.
Sunday 15 July 2007
We need to close the Toilet Gap
Continuing our Lavatorial theme for the day, we travel to the Land of the Rising Sun. If God used a toilet, he would use one of these - the Super Toilet. Ordinarily, I would consider such a name to be mere hyperbole. In this case, it is not. This truly is a Super Toilet, a toilet one would find atop Mount Olympus, or in the halls of Valhalla.
These toilets sense your presence, and raise the lid accordingly. Not only that, they sense whether you are facing it or not, and raise the seat accordingly. They squirt water at you afterwards to cleanse you. They play music. They have air conditioning!
This once great nation has fallen behind. We who invented the toilet have rested on our laurels, and, as in so many fields of human endeavour, allowed other nations to overtake us.
I commit this nation to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of creating a toilet capable of rivalling those in Japan, that we may regain our crown as the pre-eminent nation in toilet technology!
These toilets sense your presence, and raise the lid accordingly. Not only that, they sense whether you are facing it or not, and raise the seat accordingly. They squirt water at you afterwards to cleanse you. They play music. They have air conditioning!
This once great nation has fallen behind. We who invented the toilet have rested on our laurels, and, as in so many fields of human endeavour, allowed other nations to overtake us.
I commit this nation to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of creating a toilet capable of rivalling those in Japan, that we may regain our crown as the pre-eminent nation in toilet technology!
What on Earth were you thinking, Germany?
It appears the architecture of German toilets differs somewhat from our own. Rather than just dumping your dump into a pool of water, into which it can happily sink into oblivion, ne'er to be seen again, our Teutonic friends prefer to have their ... 'droppings' drop onto a shelf, where it can be kept perfectly dry and cosy while friends, loved ones and neighbours are summoned to gaze with envy at the behemoth summoned from your behind.
Say no to a Single European Toilet Design.
Say no to a Single European Toilet Design.
Tuesday 10 July 2007
'Simplified' Spelling
There's a campaign to change the way English is written for the benefit of simpletons who don't understand spelling. What about the majority of people who aren't retards? Do we have to learn Timmy Spelling? I learned to spell at school, when the retards were sniffing glue. Now they're still sniffing glue (with their bastard offspring), and I'm expected to learn to spell again?
How about "no". How about we stop catering to the lowest common denominator and try improve our society, instead of regressing. If people have trouble with literacy, by all means they should be helped, but helped to spell properly, not allowed to make their mis-spellings the norm to the detriment of everyone else.
How about "no". How about we stop catering to the lowest common denominator and try improve our society, instead of regressing. If people have trouble with literacy, by all means they should be helped, but helped to spell properly, not allowed to make their mis-spellings the norm to the detriment of everyone else.
Saturday 7 July 2007
Easiest Module Ever!
I'm going through my old transcripts because I'm applying for a Training Contract. Back in 1st year I had to do two crappy modules that I absolutely hated because they were just retarded. When the requirements to do the course include "Can you switch on a computer?" you know you're in Timmysville.
But I digress. It was a two part module. 0% of the overall grade came from "online participation" (send your tutor an email to say "Hey, I can use Email!"). 100% of it came from an essay (2000 words on how you sent your tutor the aforementioned email). I didn't do the essay, because I'd rather spend my time revising the Law subjects I was doing, and so I got 0%.
Now, the more mathematically inclined amongst you may have noticed that if I got 0% of 100, and 100% of 0, I should have received an overall mark of 0, and had to resit. I actually got 59%.
It's A M A T H S P A R A D O X
I think this demonstrates the retarded nature of the module. Still, why couldn't they have given me one extra mark so I could have gotten a 2:1?
But I digress. It was a two part module. 0% of the overall grade came from "online participation" (send your tutor an email to say "Hey, I can use Email!"). 100% of it came from an essay (2000 words on how you sent your tutor the aforementioned email). I didn't do the essay, because I'd rather spend my time revising the Law subjects I was doing, and so I got 0%.
Now, the more mathematically inclined amongst you may have noticed that if I got 0% of 100, and 100% of 0, I should have received an overall mark of 0, and had to resit. I actually got 59%.
It's A M A T H S P A R A D O X
I think this demonstrates the retarded nature of the module. Still, why couldn't they have given me one extra mark so I could have gotten a 2:1?
Best Chat Up Line Ever!
I just watched out the window as a 10 yr old boy tried to walk along a (roughly 13 foot hight) wall to impress a group of girls. He fell. He deserved it.
I always said going on the pull was dangerous...
I always said going on the pull was dangerous...
Thursday 5 July 2007
See? Even the professionals do this
Plane misses runway. If I had a pound for every time I'd done this in Flight Simulator, I'd be able to afford a real plane.
Which I would then crash on landing.
Which I would then crash on landing.
"We demolished our town center and replaced it with a fountain!"
Why did you do that, Darlington? You used to have a nice town centre, with flowers, and steps to stop disable people moving around. And every time you crossed the road you nearly got killed by a bus. It was exciting.
Now the flowers are gone, replaced by concrete breeze blocks. The steps are replaced by ramps. And there' s hardly any buses. And it's not even a cool fountain like the one in Shildon (which got switched off after Kenny Barlow drowned in it). It's just a few steps with water running down it. Kinda disappointing, really.
At least you put in plenty of benches though. That's pretty cool. It means you can sit down. Also you seem to have gotten a lot more hot women installed. This is extremely good, as I like a bit of eye candy while I'm shopping.
Other things of interest: The William Stead (a pub named after a teetotal is deliciously ironic) is not as nice as the Lambton Worm, but it is better than Jameson's. It's a lot quieter than the Worm, but it was a Thursday afternoon. No toilets downstairs is a bit of a downer, but the upstairs area seems quite nice and relaxing. If ever we visit my beloved Darlo (which I must insist upon at some point), it will certainly be on the itinerary. Actually, it will be the itinerary, since there's not much else of note really.
Now the flowers are gone, replaced by concrete breeze blocks. The steps are replaced by ramps. And there' s hardly any buses. And it's not even a cool fountain like the one in Shildon (which got switched off after Kenny Barlow drowned in it). It's just a few steps with water running down it. Kinda disappointing, really.
At least you put in plenty of benches though. That's pretty cool. It means you can sit down. Also you seem to have gotten a lot more hot women installed. This is extremely good, as I like a bit of eye candy while I'm shopping.
Other things of interest: The William Stead (a pub named after a teetotal is deliciously ironic) is not as nice as the Lambton Worm, but it is better than Jameson's. It's a lot quieter than the Worm, but it was a Thursday afternoon. No toilets downstairs is a bit of a downer, but the upstairs area seems quite nice and relaxing. If ever we visit my beloved Darlo (which I must insist upon at some point), it will certainly be on the itinerary. Actually, it will be the itinerary, since there's not much else of note really.
Wednesday 4 July 2007
Ban Fire
I would like to urge all my readers to sign this petition to ban fire. Everyday, tens of thousands of people are killed by fire. I don't know about you, but I find this to be unacceptable. For this reason, I'd like to send our leaders a message that we, the People, want this insidious threat to be eliminated.
Please, think of the children. Thank you for your time.
Please, think of the children. Thank you for your time.
Monday 2 July 2007
Is this the most boring job in Japan?
I'm watching a documentary atm about how Plasma TVs are made. It turns out there is a man who listens to a load of white noise emitted by the TV to check if it's working properly. He stands behind the TV while this is happening so that he can plug his equipment in more easily. Some choice quotes (through an interpreter, the guy doesn't speak English):
"I like TV's so much I make them for a living"
"Sometimes I wish I could get to watch the front of a TV, rather than behind it"
He then proceeded to shake the TV "to check for loose screws".
The best thing is, he is so badly paid that he can't even afford a plasma TV for himself but he hopes to able to "some day"
The lengths some people go to in order to ensure we can watch TV.
"I like TV's so much I make them for a living"
"Sometimes I wish I could get to watch the front of a TV, rather than behind it"
He then proceeded to shake the TV "to check for loose screws".
The best thing is, he is so badly paid that he can't even afford a plasma TV for himself but he hopes to able to "some day"
The lengths some people go to in order to ensure we can watch TV.
Wednesday 27 June 2007
I'm James, and I'm a Pokéholic
Out of the past 60 days, I have spent more than 12 of them playing pokémon. That's 12 days as in 302 hours of playtime. I think I have a very real problem. Luckily I don't have many left to catch now, so hopefully I'll be able to stop playing. Hopefully.
This kinda explains why I have no job, no girlfriend, and no prospects.
This kinda explains why I have no job, no girlfriend, and no prospects.
My Exciting Life In Shildon!
I needed to get some credit for my phone, because I've ran out ('cos I've been texting this girl so hard it's clogged up my inbox! [yes, it's from Schnuckums]). Which meant going up the street to the cash point. Seeing as I was in the area, I decided to call in at Console Connections (the local indie game emporium). It was closed. Why do places close half-day on Wednesday? Shildon is the only place I know that does this. If this were Sunderland, not only would it be open, but I'd have at least four other game stores to peruse.
Then I decided to call in at the CoOp, because I wanted some chocolate. They didn't have any white chocolate, (which is the best type) and the regular chocolate was only these tiny little packs. So I figured "why bother?" If this were Sunderland, I'd have just gone to Tescos and got a huge slab of white chocolate for about 79p.
Shildon sucks :/
Then I decided to call in at the CoOp, because I wanted some chocolate. They didn't have any white chocolate, (which is the best type) and the regular chocolate was only these tiny little packs. So I figured "why bother?" If this were Sunderland, I'd have just gone to Tescos and got a huge slab of white chocolate for about 79p.
Shildon sucks :/
Tuesday 26 June 2007
When did Yahoo stop being Hierachical?
Surely it should just be Yaoo? I wanted to browse through categories of websites so I could find a good Flight Simulator X forum. Now I can't. Yahoo's just another search engine. With a crappy email system that's overloaded with Spam.
Monday 25 June 2007
Those Russians make sexy aircraft
This is possibly the sexiest, most futuristic aircraft I have ever seen.
It's got something like a million kilos of cargo capacity! (OK, it's less than that, cos some of that million kilos is gonna be fuel, but still...)
I really hope this thing gets built, cos it looks like something out of Buck Rogers.
Someone go use your programming\3d modelling skills to make me it for FSX, pls
Well that came in handy
Four years ago, I had to do a presentation on Legal Executives. At the time I thought nothing of it. Now I wish I could remember what I presented, since being a Legal Executive, then moving up to soliciting, seems to be a more viable career path than just becoming a solicitor.
Plus I get to be an Executive, which sounds pretty cool in my opinion.
Plus I get to be an Executive, which sounds pretty cool in my opinion.
The Generation Gap Widens
SO. I was watching Prison Break (it's on UKTV Gold) last night, and one of the characters was talking about how he had made a knife that would pull out the victims intestines (that's a wound, it'll bleed and bleed). To which another character replied "you're one sick puppy".
My mother found it hard to understand why developing a knife designed to inflict the maximum amount of pain would be considered sick. This is a woman who criticises me for believing in private healthcare, but who has no problems with prisoners torturing each other.
My mother found it hard to understand why developing a knife designed to inflict the maximum amount of pain would be considered sick. This is a woman who criticises me for believing in private healthcare, but who has no problems with prisoners torturing each other.
Friday 22 June 2007
This proves what I've been saying
First born children are the cleverest! As the eldest child, I already knew this.
Wednesday 20 June 2007
Stalking Increased!
The internet is a boon for stalking. Social networking sites make it easy to perve on women by searching for interests. However, the real flaw is that they don't allow me to know where my selected target is at any given moment. Luckily, this is about to change, with the news that a new social networking site will allow users to track their friends using satellites.
This is awesome. No more loitering outside her house waiting for her to go to work so you can sneak in and raid her underwear drawers. Now you can simply wait in the comfort of your own home with a warm mug of cocoa, only leaving when you know the coast is clear, allowing you to spend less time on the actual stalking, and more time sending her creepy love letters.
Brilliant!
This is awesome. No more loitering outside her house waiting for her to go to work so you can sneak in and raid her underwear drawers. Now you can simply wait in the comfort of your own home with a warm mug of cocoa, only leaving when you know the coast is clear, allowing you to spend less time on the actual stalking, and more time sending her creepy love letters.
Brilliant!
Tuesday 19 June 2007
Gordon von Braun?
Incoming PM Gordon Brown has pledged a shake-up of science, with the aim of improving education.
This is potentially a very good thing. The world we live in is an increasingly technological one. Having more graduates in technological fields can only be a good thing if we are to stimulate British innovation in technological advancement. This nation was once great. We held an exhibition to demonstrate what our inventors and engineers were capable of. So great was this exhibition, it was called the Great Exhibition.
I have long been of the opinion that by increasing the profile of our nation's scientific endeavours, we can encourage our children to pick up the baton, and spur us onto greater achievements. I speak from personal experience. As a child, I was fascinated by space exploration, devouring whole books on the subject. I longed to be an astronaut. To go boldly where no man had gone before.
Why then, you ask, am I not studying engineering, or science? Because I got disillusioned. I can't be an astronaut. UK Government policy is opposed to manned spaceflight. My interest in spaceflight, and science in general, waned almost to the point of death, only resurrected by the tragedy of STS-107.
This is policy of neglecting manned spaceflight, is, in my opinion, foolish, a view shared by eminent scientists such as the Royal Astronomical Society. Could this policy change proposed by Mr Brown signal a reversal? Could we see British Astronauts visiting the International Space Station in the future?
I certainly hope so. Not only would such an event boost national pride, it would also spur children to reach for the skies and pursue careers in science and engineering. It may even lead people to ask "why stop here?". NASA plans to return to the Moon by 2020. China, Russia, Japan, even India have similar ambitions. Should we allow our nation to fall behind, while others venture to the new world? We need a new generation of explorers, like Cabot and Cook. Like Drake and Darwin. Brave individuals who will expand the sphere of human knowledge and experience, and who will allow this country to thrive and expand into new dominions.
It is too late for me to be an Astronaut. But maybe the youth of today could be inspired to such a career, if only Mr Brown were to provide the inspiration.
This is potentially a very good thing. The world we live in is an increasingly technological one. Having more graduates in technological fields can only be a good thing if we are to stimulate British innovation in technological advancement. This nation was once great. We held an exhibition to demonstrate what our inventors and engineers were capable of. So great was this exhibition, it was called the Great Exhibition.
I have long been of the opinion that by increasing the profile of our nation's scientific endeavours, we can encourage our children to pick up the baton, and spur us onto greater achievements. I speak from personal experience. As a child, I was fascinated by space exploration, devouring whole books on the subject. I longed to be an astronaut. To go boldly where no man had gone before.
Why then, you ask, am I not studying engineering, or science? Because I got disillusioned. I can't be an astronaut. UK Government policy is opposed to manned spaceflight. My interest in spaceflight, and science in general, waned almost to the point of death, only resurrected by the tragedy of STS-107.
This is policy of neglecting manned spaceflight, is, in my opinion, foolish, a view shared by eminent scientists such as the Royal Astronomical Society. Could this policy change proposed by Mr Brown signal a reversal? Could we see British Astronauts visiting the International Space Station in the future?
I certainly hope so. Not only would such an event boost national pride, it would also spur children to reach for the skies and pursue careers in science and engineering. It may even lead people to ask "why stop here?". NASA plans to return to the Moon by 2020. China, Russia, Japan, even India have similar ambitions. Should we allow our nation to fall behind, while others venture to the new world? We need a new generation of explorers, like Cabot and Cook. Like Drake and Darwin. Brave individuals who will expand the sphere of human knowledge and experience, and who will allow this country to thrive and expand into new dominions.
It is too late for me to be an Astronaut. But maybe the youth of today could be inspired to such a career, if only Mr Brown were to provide the inspiration.
At least we have something to be proud of...
The UK is the worlds second largest producer of Vodka. Let's all have a shot or two to celebrate!
Monday 18 June 2007
I'm moving to Mauritania...
*Drools*
Persuasive Arguments
"If a girl refuses [to eat] we start nicely, saying 'come on, come on' sweetly, until she agrees to eat." Sounds like he Mrs Doyle school of persuasion is alive and well. I shall have to learn this technique for when I'm a solicitor cross-examining a hostile witness on the stand.
Persuasive Arguments
"If a girl refuses [to eat] we start nicely, saying 'come on, come on' sweetly, until she agrees to eat." Sounds like he Mrs Doyle school of persuasion is alive and well. I shall have to learn this technique for when I'm a solicitor cross-examining a hostile witness on the stand.
Friday 15 June 2007
Coincidence? I think not!
So. I was perving on women on Facebook (as you do. Well, as I do at least) and I found a rather hot brunette dressed as Alice in Wonderland. So I clicked on her. Imagine my surprise when it turns out we have a friend in common (actually several).
Why does everyone know each other these days?
Why does everyone know each other these days?
Mario Strikers: Second Thoughts
OK, it's not that bad really. In fact it's quite good. I'm still rubbish at it, but that's cos I can't get the hang of playing on a pitch that is actively trying to kill me.
I suppose it's quite good fun really.
Oh, and I'm sorry for losing against Germany in that tournament I played in today. But we're England, we're supposed to lose against Germany.
Unless it's in a war.
I suppose it's quite good fun really.
Oh, and I'm sorry for losing against Germany in that tournament I played in today. But we're England, we're supposed to lose against Germany.
Unless it's in a war.
Wednesday 13 June 2007
Mario Strikers: First Thoughts
I am getting seriously pissed off at these games that make you wave your arm around like lunatic in order to use vital functions. I don't mind it in tennis, where the movements are like real tennis but in football you don't wave your arm to tackle, so why should I have to in the game?
Nintendo should have made a decent pad with buttons on it. That way they wouldn't have to compromise the gameplay with shoddy control systems.
Zelda makes you waggle your arm to swing the sword, which was bad enough, but at least using a sword in real life does involve moving your arms. But tackling? If your using your arms to tackle you'll be getting booked. Which brings me onto another point: Where's the referee? Why is the AI allowed to blatantly foul? I'm not talking about the Power Shots, (though these are annoying enough as it is) I mean actually shoulder charging me off the ball, leaving my guy unconscious for about 30 seconds.
There's a good game in here somewhere. It's just marred by these ridiculous waggle controls. For Christ's sake Nintendo, allow developers to use the Classic Controller\Game Cube pad where appropriate. Heck, you can make money out of selling the extra peripherals. Just don't compromise gameplay to show off how innovative you are.
I never thought I'd say this, but come back Pro Evo. All is forgiven.
Nintendo should have made a decent pad with buttons on it. That way they wouldn't have to compromise the gameplay with shoddy control systems.
Zelda makes you waggle your arm to swing the sword, which was bad enough, but at least using a sword in real life does involve moving your arms. But tackling? If your using your arms to tackle you'll be getting booked. Which brings me onto another point: Where's the referee? Why is the AI allowed to blatantly foul? I'm not talking about the Power Shots, (though these are annoying enough as it is) I mean actually shoulder charging me off the ball, leaving my guy unconscious for about 30 seconds.
There's a good game in here somewhere. It's just marred by these ridiculous waggle controls. For Christ's sake Nintendo, allow developers to use the Classic Controller\Game Cube pad where appropriate. Heck, you can make money out of selling the extra peripherals. Just don't compromise gameplay to show off how innovative you are.
I never thought I'd say this, but come back Pro Evo. All is forgiven.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BLUE PETER???
Back in my day, Blue Peter was cool. It told you how to do interesting things, like make Tracy Island out of ordinary household items.
Now it's just another Reality Talent Show, like Pop Idol or the Apprentice. I worry for kids today. I really do.
Am I turning into a grumpy old man already?
Now it's just another Reality Talent Show, like Pop Idol or the Apprentice. I worry for kids today. I really do.
Am I turning into a grumpy old man already?
Tuesday 12 June 2007
I was saying this months ago
Protesters are calling for an inquiry into the shoddy parenting that led to Madeline McCann being left unattended in a hotel room. I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks her parents should be hauled out in front of everyone and criticised for not looking after their kids properly. Time and time again kids get abducted and murdered because their parents couldn't be bothered to look after them.
Holly & Jessica? Allowed to wander the streets for hours before anyone realised they were missing.
Sarah Payne? Left playing in a cornfield unattended.
Parents need to learn that if they don't want their kids to get raped and murdered, they should make an effort to look after them. Until then they deserve to have their kids taken from them (by social services, not a paedophile)
Holly & Jessica? Allowed to wander the streets for hours before anyone realised they were missing.
Sarah Payne? Left playing in a cornfield unattended.
Parents need to learn that if they don't want their kids to get raped and murdered, they should make an effort to look after them. Until then they deserve to have their kids taken from them (by social services, not a paedophile)
Sunday 10 June 2007
Mercenaries Obituary
The following was originally written by Glenn while he watched me play Mercenaries on the original Xbox. Suffice to say it took me a few goes to get it right, as we shall see.
1. Killed in Car Crash
Killed a few gooks
2. Shot in Back
Cannot drive tank - dickhead
3. Blown Up!
Loves Character - till wet
Cannot "reverse"
4. Killed while charging tank with bayonet! - fools
Carpet bombs civillians
Reported last words: "Don't shoot til you see the whites of their eyes!
5. Landed, pierced on a sharp rock, twitching after being blown away
Expressed surprise at being shot at
Wailed "Run Away!" sixteen times while near death!
Carpet bombed a single tank
6. Fell off back of lorry
7. Killed by a completely random explosion
Panicked and tipped tank when under no enemy fire at all
8. Speeding in an APC, clipped the edge of a pebble and rolled 12 dozen times into a radioactive lake
NB: Technically it was a river\sea (roll on next death)
9. Reenacted Tianamen Square (was run over by a Communist Tank)
Gets stuck between a bush and a tree in a 35tonne North Korean tank
10. Run over by fleet of jeeps
Exceeds monthly alcohol limit within 2.5 hours. Crashes his vehicle shortly after.
11. Killed while climbing a mountain by yetis
Nearly blown to smithereens while using all his time and energy physically assaulting a tank
12. No Death!
Survived a 250ft drop off a mountain peak in an APC
AND
Called in a carpet bomb strike on his own position
BUT
Destroyed the SUPERGUN for the first time in his life.
DID IT!
---
And there you have it. The thrilling story of a night in Sunderland. I'd like to point out that Oli and I subsequently went out, and both scored (admittedly Oli scored with his girlfriend, but it still counts I suppose), which means we're not geeks.
1. Killed in Car Crash
Killed a few gooks
2. Shot in Back
Cannot drive tank - dickhead
3. Blown Up!
Loves Character - till wet
Cannot "reverse"
4. Killed while charging tank with bayonet! - fools
Carpet bombs civillians
Reported last words: "Don't shoot til you see the whites of their eyes!
5. Landed, pierced on a sharp rock, twitching after being blown away
Expressed surprise at being shot at
Wailed "Run Away!" sixteen times while near death!
Carpet bombed a single tank
6. Fell off back of lorry
7. Killed by a completely random explosion
Panicked and tipped tank when under no enemy fire at all
8. Speeding in an APC, clipped the edge of a pebble and rolled 12 dozen times into a radioactive lake
NB: Technically it was a river\sea (roll on next death)
9. Reenacted Tianamen Square (was run over by a Communist Tank)
Gets stuck between a bush and a tree in a 35tonne North Korean tank10. Run over by fleet of jeeps
Exceeds monthly alcohol limit within 2.5 hours. Crashes his vehicle shortly after.
11. Killed while climbing a mountain by yetis
Nearly blown to smithereens while using all his time and energy physically assaulting a tank
12. No Death!
Survived a 250ft drop off a mountain peak in an APC
AND
Called in a carpet bomb strike on his own position
BUT
Destroyed the SUPERGUN for the first time in his life.
DID IT!
---
And there you have it. The thrilling story of a night in Sunderland. I'd like to point out that Oli and I subsequently went out, and both scored (admittedly Oli scored with his girlfriend, but it still counts I suppose), which means we're not geeks.
Unlucky 13
I didn't want to have 13 posts, so I decided to post a new one just to push it up to 14. I know it's just superstition, but I don't want to take any chances.
Congratulations to Lewis Hamilton
Flawless race from Lewis Hamilton. I felt quite emotional when he actually crossed the finish line, and once he was on the podium with God Save the Queen playing, I was nearly crying.
This man is going definitely going places. I'm very tempted to put a bet on him winning the Championship, cos it seems possible - especially if Alonso decides to keep off-roading :)
Also, I'm glad to hear that Kubica is OK, just a broken leg. Really speaks to the strength of the cars that someone can walk away (not literally in this case) from such an horrendous accident
This man is going definitely going places. I'm very tempted to put a bet on him winning the Championship, cos it seems possible - especially if Alonso decides to keep off-roading :)
Also, I'm glad to hear that Kubica is OK, just a broken leg. Really speaks to the strength of the cars that someone can walk away (not literally in this case) from such an horrendous accident
Thursday 7 June 2007
Wednesday 6 June 2007
Found It!
I tried reinstalling it, which wasted a lot of time but didn't solve matters. But now I've figured it out. Turns out that all games can be accessed via an application in Start -> Games -> Games Explorer, from which you can copy shortcuts to the Desktop.
To be perfectly honest, I much preferred to have an icon put on the Desktop as part of the installation process, but I suppose forcing me to wade through countless menus is a much more efficient way of doing things.
Thanks Bill!
To be perfectly honest, I much preferred to have an icon put on the Desktop as part of the installation process, but I suppose forcing me to wade through countless menus is a much more efficient way of doing things.
Thanks Bill!
Another Thing I Hate About Windows Vista
SO. I installed MS Flight Simulator X today. It's pretty cool. Except now when I come back to my computer, it's not there. There's no icon on the Desktop. There's no Icon in the Start Menu. There's a few folders in the Program Files folder, but there's nothing actually in them.
According to the packaging, MS FS X "Works great on Windows XP, Works even better on the upcoming Windows Vista". If this is true (why would they lie???), I shudder to think how badly it ran on XP.
According to the packaging, MS FS X "Works great on Windows XP, Works even better on the upcoming Windows Vista". If this is true (why would they lie???), I shudder to think how badly it ran on XP.
Sunday 3 June 2007
Amusing things I never thought would happen #103
Oli being told to get a hair cut by a man with a gun!
Saturday 2 June 2007
Wednesday 30 May 2007
Worst List Ever
SO: Some wooly liberal type has made a list of the most peaceful countries. Notable entries include Ireland in 4th. Finland in 6th. Japan & Germany 5th and 12th repsectively (do they need links?)
UK in 49th. Cos we're aggressive warmongers that raped and pillaged our neighbours, and genocided minority groups, aren't we?
UK in 49th. Cos we're aggressive warmongers that raped and pillaged our neighbours, and genocided minority groups, aren't we?
To hell with graduation!
Tickets? £17 a pop. Robes? £40 a pop. Having to pay for said products online? Stressful. Why does noone accept debit cards? Amazon do. And Amazon are worth $Billions (or at the very least $Millions). When will people learn that I want to give them money, and that all they have to do to get it is to let me.
And why do you need to know my head circumference? Is this so you can guillotine me afterwards? Just make the sodding hats with pull string so you can resize them on the day.
I don't even want to go, but my parents essentially blackmailed me into it. They didn't even offer to pay for it. It's not like this is a one-off either. Two years time I'll be graduating from my LPC. Four years time I'll be graduating from my Training Contract, at which point I actually become a real solicitor. That one's in London, so that's a way bigger party than this one. Am I expected to pay for all these?
I don't mind paying for the last two, since I'll have moved out and be my own man by then, but I'm still living at home atm. Shouldn't they pay for it as some sort of "Congratulations James! You're a Lawyer!"?
If anyone knows the etiquette for this scenario please let me know. And also let me know if you have a tape measure, cos I need to know the size of my head.
And why do you need to know my head circumference? Is this so you can guillotine me afterwards? Just make the sodding hats with pull string so you can resize them on the day.
I don't even want to go, but my parents essentially blackmailed me into it. They didn't even offer to pay for it. It's not like this is a one-off either. Two years time I'll be graduating from my LPC. Four years time I'll be graduating from my Training Contract, at which point I actually become a real solicitor. That one's in London, so that's a way bigger party than this one. Am I expected to pay for all these?
I don't mind paying for the last two, since I'll have moved out and be my own man by then, but I'm still living at home atm. Shouldn't they pay for it as some sort of "Congratulations James! You're a Lawyer!"?
If anyone knows the etiquette for this scenario please let me know. And also let me know if you have a tape measure, cos I need to know the size of my head.
Saturday 19 May 2007
18.05.2007 - A Date That Shall Live in Legends
Last night, was the night of nights. A series of unrelated events that began over 20years ago conspired to produce a convergence between Oli's 21st birthday, and the highlight of the Sunderland Social calender; the May Ball.
Events began at around 1725, when I recieved a phone call from Robbie informing me that Oli's party had commenced several minutes earlier, and that I was to get over there pronto. Unfortunatly I was in the middle of cooking dinner, and had not yet had a shower. Obviously I was ill prepared to go to a pre-pre-pre party. (I told you it was the night of nights).
I quickly downed my pasta, and had a shower before suiting up. Then it was off to Oli's for the first in a series of gatherings, each of which would in more people joining our band of brothers. I gave Oli his present (Band of Brothers [Oli is actually illiterate, but it has some pictures for him to look at]). We then had the first set of pictures taken. Every possible combination imaginable. Just the boys. Just the girls. One of the boys with one of the girls (there were three boys and two girls, so there were 3 to the power 2 combinations. My maths isn't good enough to work it out, but it seemed like there were a lot)
Then it was off to Flat 38, to link up with the rest of our posse. Cue more pictures, in even more combinations. Oli had another cake, and more presents, and then it was off to Bonded. Once at Bonded, Robbie and I decided to do our patented party trick for ridiculously formal occaisions - put Smack My Bitch Up on the Juke Box. Unfortunatley the Juke Box wasn't working, so we just had to guess what songs to put on by plugging in random numbers. Regardless, soon the bar was throbbing to the pulsating beat of Prodigy's magnus opus.
Unfortunatley, my commando mission led to loss of position at our table - Netballers had begun to arrive, and my seat was in their hands. Cue botched attempt to retake my seat when one of them goes to the bar, followed by mass abuse from the remaining netballers. I always embarress myself in front of those girls. Whether I'm throwing up all over them or stealing their seats, I always end up looking like a complete retard.
More photo's were taken here. I made a quip that some peoples believe that when one has one's
photo taken, part of one's soul is stolen, and that at this rate I wouldn't have a soul left by the end of the evening. It garnered a laugh. She blatently wants me. (I hope)
By now it was time for the main event. Cinderella, you shall go to the ball. Except now it was raining. I offered my jacket to one of the girls, but was declined. Presumably she was already wet from being around me, and felt that the rain would make little difference.
Once at the ball (which was just around the corner, and so we didn't get very wet after all) there were, surprise surprise, more photos. Then it was off to see the hypnotist. Our attempts to get Oli on stage were thwarted by his lack of adventurous spirit, though he did have to stand up in front of everyone. Unfortunately, the hypnotist was crap, and I walked out in boredom, along with most of the audience. According those who stayed behind, he got better later on. I find this hard to believe. Quite why the Students Union feel obliged to keep hiring him for every function (he's played Fresher's Week every year I've been here) is beyond me.
Back downstairs, and Oli managed to pull, and then blow it spectacularly by refusing to dance with her, and then wandering off without getting her number, or even saying he was leaving. I worry about that boy, I really do. Selected quotes involve her claiming her name was Maude ("D'ya think it's a sexy name?", "Yeah, sure!") and her response to my being a lawyer being "Oh, I'm in marketing. I'm not really doing anything for the planet", which kinda implies that I am doing something for the planet, which I'm not really (except ruining it with my decadent Western Imperialist lifestyle).
By now the rest of our squad were returning from the "Comedy" Hypnotist, with tales of just how awful he was. As I said earlier, I'm glad I got out when I did. We decided to go sit at the couches, and partake in some inane banter for a while. We had a few more photo-ops here, but it was all just casual, spur of the moment stuff really - none of the regimented grind of earlier. Oli got decorated by stars, which was amusing. See pictures on Facebook for proof.
By now, it was time for Rogue Traders! Finally my chance to stand just a few feet away from Izzy and perve on her. I quickly scarpered upstairs to take my place as near the front as possible, so as to get the best possible view. Luckily I wasn't the only one with an obsession for Izzy, as the girls were already up there.
Unfortunately, Izzy was nowhere near as good looking in real life as she was on the TV, although there is something slightly erotic about a girl having sweat dripping down her cleavage. Only slightly though. They played about 10 tracks, all but one of which I managed to get recorded (copyright infringment ahoy!). Most of them I'd never heard before, although I don't have their album and they said that some of them were new, which explains that. They played Voodoo Child, which was the only one I wanted to hear really. Pretty good stuff though, and one of the better acts I've seen this year. Nowhere near as good as Lily Allen that's for sure.
After Rogue Traders, me and Oli went on a wander to find his missing Cigar (no such luck, unfortunately). On our meanderings we saw the Hypnotist from earlier on, propping up the bar and telling anyone that would listen his exciting stories. (they probably weren't exciting really, but never mind)
By now it was getting late, and so it was time to relocate to Glass Spider. We managed to commandeer the Uni bus (which I've probably used more times in the past week than I have all year), thus saving money on taxis which we could put to better use on booze. We arrived at Glass Spider safe and sound, and who should we see, but Glenn, with his sexy new Finnish girlfriend. Oli was visibly delighted to see him, bounding over with such vigour that he literally floored him. It took all our efforts to manage to persuade him to come back inside.
After that not much else happened, I was pretty drunk and felt sleepy, so the hilarity was almost over. We ended up trying to get into the Casino (see previous blog entry) but I was too young, and Milhouse was too drunk (neither of which was actually true, but we all know how useless Gala Casino staff are. Since we couldn't get in, we ended up just going home.
I went to back to my place to get some booze, but I ended up falling asleep, and so missed out on the rest of the evening's festivities. And that is the tale of the May Ball. A night of passion, intrigue and general drunken hilarity. Apologies for taking so long to get this online, I have been busy. Tune in sometime later this week to hear the tale of the Final Fling.
Events began at around 1725, when I recieved a phone call from Robbie informing me that Oli's party had commenced several minutes earlier, and that I was to get over there pronto. Unfortunatly I was in the middle of cooking dinner, and had not yet had a shower. Obviously I was ill prepared to go to a pre-pre-pre party. (I told you it was the night of nights).
I quickly downed my pasta, and had a shower before suiting up. Then it was off to Oli's for the first in a series of gatherings, each of which would in more people joining our band of brothers. I gave Oli his present (Band of Brothers [Oli is actually illiterate, but it has some pictures for him to look at]). We then had the first set of pictures taken. Every possible combination imaginable. Just the boys. Just the girls. One of the boys with one of the girls (there were three boys and two girls, so there were 3 to the power 2 combinations. My maths isn't good enough to work it out, but it seemed like there were a lot)
Then it was off to Flat 38, to link up with the rest of our posse. Cue more pictures, in even more combinations. Oli had another cake, and more presents, and then it was off to Bonded. Once at Bonded, Robbie and I decided to do our patented party trick for ridiculously formal occaisions - put Smack My Bitch Up on the Juke Box. Unfortunatley the Juke Box wasn't working, so we just had to guess what songs to put on by plugging in random numbers. Regardless, soon the bar was throbbing to the pulsating beat of Prodigy's magnus opus.
Unfortunatley, my commando mission led to loss of position at our table - Netballers had begun to arrive, and my seat was in their hands. Cue botched attempt to retake my seat when one of them goes to the bar, followed by mass abuse from the remaining netballers. I always embarress myself in front of those girls. Whether I'm throwing up all over them or stealing their seats, I always end up looking like a complete retard.
More photo's were taken here. I made a quip that some peoples believe that when one has one's
photo taken, part of one's soul is stolen, and that at this rate I wouldn't have a soul left by the end of the evening. It garnered a laugh. She blatently wants me. (I hope)
By now it was time for the main event. Cinderella, you shall go to the ball. Except now it was raining. I offered my jacket to one of the girls, but was declined. Presumably she was already wet from being around me, and felt that the rain would make little difference.
Once at the ball (which was just around the corner, and so we didn't get very wet after all) there were, surprise surprise, more photos. Then it was off to see the hypnotist. Our attempts to get Oli on stage were thwarted by his lack of adventurous spirit, though he did have to stand up in front of everyone. Unfortunately, the hypnotist was crap, and I walked out in boredom, along with most of the audience. According those who stayed behind, he got better later on. I find this hard to believe. Quite why the Students Union feel obliged to keep hiring him for every function (he's played Fresher's Week every year I've been here) is beyond me.
Back downstairs, and Oli managed to pull, and then blow it spectacularly by refusing to dance with her, and then wandering off without getting her number, or even saying he was leaving. I worry about that boy, I really do. Selected quotes involve her claiming her name was Maude ("D'ya think it's a sexy name?", "Yeah, sure!") and her response to my being a lawyer being "Oh, I'm in marketing. I'm not really doing anything for the planet", which kinda implies that I am doing something for the planet, which I'm not really (except ruining it with my decadent Western Imperialist lifestyle).
By now the rest of our squad were returning from the "Comedy" Hypnotist, with tales of just how awful he was. As I said earlier, I'm glad I got out when I did. We decided to go sit at the couches, and partake in some inane banter for a while. We had a few more photo-ops here, but it was all just casual, spur of the moment stuff really - none of the regimented grind of earlier. Oli got decorated by stars, which was amusing. See pictures on Facebook for proof.
By now, it was time for Rogue Traders! Finally my chance to stand just a few feet away from Izzy and perve on her. I quickly scarpered upstairs to take my place as near the front as possible, so as to get the best possible view. Luckily I wasn't the only one with an obsession for Izzy, as the girls were already up there.
Unfortunately, Izzy was nowhere near as good looking in real life as she was on the TV, although there is something slightly erotic about a girl having sweat dripping down her cleavage. Only slightly though. They played about 10 tracks, all but one of which I managed to get recorded (copyright infringment ahoy!). Most of them I'd never heard before, although I don't have their album and they said that some of them were new, which explains that. They played Voodoo Child, which was the only one I wanted to hear really. Pretty good stuff though, and one of the better acts I've seen this year. Nowhere near as good as Lily Allen that's for sure.
After Rogue Traders, me and Oli went on a wander to find his missing Cigar (no such luck, unfortunately). On our meanderings we saw the Hypnotist from earlier on, propping up the bar and telling anyone that would listen his exciting stories. (they probably weren't exciting really, but never mind)
By now it was getting late, and so it was time to relocate to Glass Spider. We managed to commandeer the Uni bus (which I've probably used more times in the past week than I have all year), thus saving money on taxis which we could put to better use on booze. We arrived at Glass Spider safe and sound, and who should we see, but Glenn, with his sexy new Finnish girlfriend. Oli was visibly delighted to see him, bounding over with such vigour that he literally floored him. It took all our efforts to manage to persuade him to come back inside.
After that not much else happened, I was pretty drunk and felt sleepy, so the hilarity was almost over. We ended up trying to get into the Casino (see previous blog entry) but I was too young, and Milhouse was too drunk (neither of which was actually true, but we all know how useless Gala Casino staff are. Since we couldn't get in, we ended up just going home.
I went to back to my place to get some booze, but I ended up falling asleep, and so missed out on the rest of the evening's festivities. And that is the tale of the May Ball. A night of passion, intrigue and general drunken hilarity. Apologies for taking so long to get this online, I have been busy. Tune in sometime later this week to hear the tale of the Final Fling.
Friday 18 May 2007
We hate Gala Casino...
Yes. Yes we do. Details will follow when I'm awake enough (i.e. sober enough) to write a proper blog entry, but suffice to say that until then I advise all of my loyal readers (yes, both of you) to boycott them in favour of other casinos.
I.e. ones that don't use the excuse "I'm only doing my job" and "It's the law!" For the record, IAAL (well I will be when I get my results back, and until then I'm still more of a lawyer than Register Jockies who work the night shift at a crappy casino), and they are wrong, and I will report back tomorrow with statutes (and cases, if there are any) to support this. Cos that's what we legal types do - we destroy people who are too stupid to know what the law is (and they are stupid. And possibly corrupt, they certainly didn't deny it when I accused them).
In any case, I would like to thank everyone who joined me in tonights spontaneous boycott of Gala Casino. Y'all are invited to my sort-of birthday next Friday.
Except Phil, who is boring, and whom none of us actually like.
I.e. ones that don't use the excuse "I'm only doing my job" and "It's the law!" For the record, IAAL (well I will be when I get my results back, and until then I'm still more of a lawyer than Register Jockies who work the night shift at a crappy casino), and they are wrong, and I will report back tomorrow with statutes (and cases, if there are any) to support this. Cos that's what we legal types do - we destroy people who are too stupid to know what the law is (and they are stupid. And possibly corrupt, they certainly didn't deny it when I accused them).
In any case, I would like to thank everyone who joined me in tonights spontaneous boycott of Gala Casino. Y'all are invited to my sort-of birthday next Friday.
Except Phil, who is boring, and whom none of us actually like.
Thursday 17 May 2007
LOL Birmingham!
A 4 bedroom house for £53,000? Bargain! It's probably cheap cos it's near the Colour Factory, and we all know how often that thing explodes, and noone wants to live near it.
Oh, it's cheap because the advert's 25 years old. You crazy Brummies with your 25 year old newspapers :)
Oh, it's cheap because the advert's 25 years old. You crazy Brummies with your 25 year old newspapers :)
Monday 14 May 2007
I think I've made a rather good career choice
SO. It seems more people are seeking legal advice than ever before. As a would-be solicitor, this is extremely good news. Everyone wants to get into a growth industry, and with a bit of luck in a few years time I'll be well placed to take advantage of this booming industry.
Don't worry tho, I won't forget the little people. Y'all can come visit me on one of my many yachts. Maybe I'll even let you borrow one of my many sports cars (not you Oli, you can't be trusted with an automobile. I'll lend you Pony Girl to ride around on instead. I hear she's remarkably resilient and difficult to break)
Don't worry tho, I won't forget the little people. Y'all can come visit me on one of my many yachts. Maybe I'll even let you borrow one of my many sports cars (not you Oli, you can't be trusted with an automobile. I'll lend you Pony Girl to ride around on instead. I hear she's remarkably resilient and difficult to break)
Don't Worry, He's not in the Queue!
SO. I was in the queue at Greggs today, and there was a slightly crazy man in front of me. He was bald, which always makes me suspicious. Suddenly, out of nowhere, an equally crazy looking lady appeared. She sprinted (sprant?) towards the gentleman in front of me, and scooped him up, saying "Don't worry, he's not in the queue". The two of them soon vanished into the crowds.
When I'd got my drink, I returned to Oli, Glenn & Jenni, and asked if they had witnessed it. It transpired that the boys had remained oblivious to the whole thing. Had I been imagining things? Was I finally going mad? No. It seems. Jenni had seen it as well, restoring my faith in my sanity.
In other news:
When I'd got my drink, I returned to Oli, Glenn & Jenni, and asked if they had witnessed it. It transpired that the boys had remained oblivious to the whole thing. Had I been imagining things? Was I finally going mad? No. It seems. Jenni had seen it as well, restoring my faith in my sanity.
In other news:
- Oli visited every shop in Sunderland in a vain hunt for clothes, only to return to the first shop we went to to buy the first things he'd seen, three hours earlier.
- I ordered my Dinner Jacket for the Ball (I'm still looking for a date, ladies)
- I bought some milk. That isn't newsworthy, but it does neatly round off the story.
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